Am I even a writer?

I'm not even sure I am a writer. Or perhaps I was but am no longer. Or perhaps I can write but it's not my main passion at this time.

I need to create, I know that much. If I'm not creating something I become unhappy, listless, frustrated. The process of creation is also frustrating but it's like a happy struggle - like how some people describe the joys of exercise; you push through and feel great at the end. Having created something and sent it out into the world for others to enjoy (or hate, or think about, whatever) is an incomparable elation.

I'm just not sure my favourite thing to create right now is to write now.

So why do I write?

The answer that always springs first to my mind is that I've been told I should write. I think my mum wanted me to be a writer so she could share the bragging rights without doing the work. Loves a brag, my mum. She was great at nurturing my writing muscles. Before I could actually write with my own hand she had me dictate to her my dreams, stories, ideas almost daily. In school, my teachers lauded my writing skills and it was all just a snowball effect from there: K is good at writing, she should be a writer.

But being good at something doesn't mean you have to do it. And there's that word: should. I hate that fucking word. Always makes me feel like I'm doing the wrong thing.

So I'm not writing as much as I'd like. But I'm still planning away at written pieces. Meanwhile, I'm creating podcasts and videos and hopefully a documentary soon and sending them all out into the world.

It's a weird world at the moment and just chipping away can feel like a monumental effort. So go me! And hooray for you too if you are getting any creating done, even if it's just vomiting all over the pages of your diary. That's Art.

Later thoughts: Money. Forgot in all this musing about creation the other motivating factor which is paying the rent, buying food and all that. If you really struggle to create then I highly recommend linking your survival to your creative outputs - it will help you get shit DONE.